You’re here because you want to know why my night was so good last friday. The Urban Choreography Club (UCC) & Cambodian American Student Association (CASA) hosted what I felt like was a very successful event. Together they hosted a Just Dance Tournament & Wii U game night. When I walked into the room I was exposed to an uproar of screams and laughter. There was a projector that was projecting the Just Dance game. When I looked around, there were 4 other screens that multiple people were gathered around playing Smash Bros & Mario Kart. For me, that night was about self-discovery and being PRESENT.

If you don’t already know, I’m someone who has had difficulty being present and expressive around large groups of people. By present I mean being somewhere and being fully engaged in that moment; allowing myself to commit to having light-hearted fun with others. And more importantly, allowing myself to feel. In the past I would be out somewhere with friends and my mind would always be on what I should be working on next as a choreographer or as an entrepreneur. These specific thoughts would cross my mind. “You’re not where you should be. You don’t have time for this. You don’t deserve to be here until your vision becomes a reality. There are 12 year-olds who are more successful than you.” These thoughts would creep on me and remind me to stay focused, to be a forward thinker and to not let anything distract me from my goals.

In the past I would be asked frequently if I wanted to just hang out here or hang out there. I would turn down basically every invitation to everything because I was so focused on improving myself and building my foundation. Now mind you, I wasn’t unhappy, I considered myself a workaholic with an unparalleled level of work ethic. I was exhilarated by progress and self-discovery.  The good that came out of that was I learned a lot about things I wanted to learn about and I developed a handful of useful skills I use today. The bad? I ignored people who wanted nothing but my company and I neglected the side of me that was longing for adventure and freedom.

So that Friday night of the event I was actually not in the best mood. I woke up to a text that said they wanted to opt out of a project that we haven’t even started yet. We had just talked about what were going to do with it the previous day too. As soon as I stepped downstairs I was lectured by my parents for almost 2 hours about things I should be doing around the house. Which was understandable but not the length of time the lecture went on for. I ended up getting into work late and had no time to eat or prepare food or my lesson for that day like I had originally planned on doing. The entire car ride I was trying to flip my mood so that I wouldn’t project any bad vibes towards my kids because that wouldn’t be fair to them.

Usually when I’m in not the best mood I am able to find healthy ways to deal with myself. Time was not a luxury I had at the moment. I walked into class apologizing to my students for being late and communicating to them that I wasn’t in the best mood. I felt bad that I couldn’t give 100% of myself because then I felt like I was cheating not only myself but them. After class I went to go fix my car. Then I went home to refuel and I finally got around to checking my phone.

My team and I had planned on having rehearsal that night at 10:30 the night before. One of our members decided that he wouldn’t be attending because he was in a bad mood. There was miscommunication in the group because myself and my assistant had answered the group chat too late. I felt bad and my mood kind of plummeted from there. I was deciding on whether or not I even wanted to go out to the Just Dance night. In that moment a certain feeling come over me. Everything that I needed to do for the future started to pop into my head. All I wanted to do was work.

I took note of that and was like “oh snap, when I’m in a crappy mood I just want to work, I want to accomplish something”. After about 40 minutes of contemplating whether or not I wanted to just stay home and get stuff done or go out to the event, guess what I chose? Yup. I regret nothing. I got over 37 hugs that night, the oxytocin was real. I had a really good conversation with an acquaintance and another good conversation with one of my good friends.  I met this really cool guy who was playing the guitar the whole night. That lead to a handful of us gathering around and just jamming out.

I spontaneously danced with this girl who was basically thrown into my arms. We partner danced to a classic song and we were both totally unprepared for what was happening but it was really nice and hysterical. In that small moment in time I embraced a lot of things I was insecure about. That moment was easily a highlight of the night.

A majority of the night I was smiling. I wasn’t just observing like I usually do, I was being. I felt the outpour of energy from everyone in that room. I felt connected. I said to myself “All of this is what’s been missing for so long. Me, this me who is here right now just having a good time is the me that is always pushed to the side, NOT TONIGHT BOY”. Thank you UCC. Thank you CASA. Thank you everyone who was there and a special thank you to some of the key people I engaged with that made the night extra memorable.

I’m going to talk about my sexuality and how I have come to understand it.

I first and foremost have a lack of interest in that area of my life because I have disciplined myself to look beyond what’s in front of me. It’s not that it doesn’t exist, I just know that if I ever decide to cross that line with somebody else, they have to meet my personal standards. Attraction to another person is based on a variety of things. It also has to do with science. (Just like everything else)

I just recognized for myself that I have a wall BECAUSE I have standards. Having a wall and standards doesn’t have to be a bad thing, BUT there are pros and cons to it. In most cases things have worked out in my favor, in others…not so much. I do not regret any of my past actions though.

So what I noticed is that when a girl makes it obvious that she’s attracted to me or they put themselves out there for me to notice. I usually do not reciprocate with the kind of attention or energy they are seeking. Let me tell you what happens as a result of this. The girl to some degree loses interest, eventually OR gains respect from me. That makes sense right?

The losing interest part happens because when a girl puts themselves out there using ‘feminine’ energy. I typically respond back with feminine energy, so there becomes an excess amount of it. When that happens there is no charge, no sexual polarity. So what happens if that cycle continues? We settle for being just friends with no sexual anything.

In cases where I’m not looking for that type of bond with someone, I’m perfectly okay with that. Having friends doesn’t hurt anyone and the girl can then grow to appreciate that I can just be their friend and want nothing more from them. What’s then granted? Respect. 100% of the time I aim to let a girl know that I don’t see them as something I desire sexually, I don’t always have to say it directly either.

Seeing a person for who they are, what they do, and what they can bring to the table is how I like to see people first. That’s great now isn’t it? I think so. See in my world once I am able to identify key traits within another person, I then allow them into my space. If a person has ill intention, or is only looking for sexual endeavors (the unhealthy kind) then I get turned off almost instantly. I no longevity if we were to spend time together. All I see is potential conflict and a time waster.

So after thinking and operating like this for so long you would think well what’s your point or what’s the problem? I came across a realization. What if I put someone in that position (Not saying I control everything, it’s all about how two energies complement each other) where we’re friends and there is no sexual connection because of how I first presented myself to this person? Is there a possibility that a chance at creating sexual chemistry/ attraction/ energy is lost?

I started to ask myself that. I said “Hello wall of sexual no no’s, are you a good idea?” I’m starting to see it is a flawed one. It’s also extremely confusing. So say this wall didn’t exist and I STILL had those standards BUT, I was able to have my sexual elements present. Now by sexual elements I don’t mean like dirty etc. (I mean I kinda do) but not in the way you might be thinking.

See if a girl presents to you feminine energy you have 3 options. You can complement that energy and deliver masculine energy. You can flow with that energy and also present femine energy. Or you can give a nice mix of both, however you like. 50/50 80/20 69/69. You feel me? These decisions create different responses within your shared bubble.

I have noticed that depending on which mind state I’m in and who I’m talking to, and about what. I can go hella feminine or hella masculine. Which is great actually. Through my observations, some people are only strong on one end of the spectrum which in turn creates imbalance within one’s life.

So yeah what if I decided to not have a sexual wall of no no’s? Wouldn’t that lead to me leading someone on? Or having a short-term fling? Or maybe there could be longevity in a relationship because I’m unafraid to let me sexuality be free. If I’m honest from the get go and find a woman attractive and I get to know them both on a playful, creative, mental, physical level then we’re building up partner points equally across the board for a healthy relationship right? Right? That’s a fantasy as of now.

You see what I think about a lot is “do you like me for me, or do you like me because I’m there for you and I can do these things for you”? Do you like me because of my character and all the things that I do and can do, and you genuinely are attracted to all those great things about me? Or do you like me because I’m there for you when you’re in rough spot, I pay attention to you, and I listen to you.

The huge difference is, liking me for me means you like me purely for all the things I do on my own, that has nothing to do with you. I find that to be the most genuine and it shows that you recognize someone’s individuality which is so key in a relationship. This type of admiration/ attraction to someone is important because you understand that you are separate entities and that you both have a life outside of your shared world. So there’s automatic respect and less insecurities.

The other type of attraction is liking me for what I am capable of doing for you. That’s a romantic type of attraction. I don’t want romantic love to be the base of my relationship with someone and that’s why I go about things the way I do. I feel as though this creates a relationship where one person or both are no co-dependent on one another and that’s not fair. These are the types of relationships where individuality starts to disappear. You sacrifice your vision for the sake of having trying to have a pleasant shared world.

This is why I believe I approach my interactions with women, the way I do. I don’t want romance to be the base of my relationship so I cut off any possible sexual chemistry in the early stages when getting to know someone. I believe lust is a liar. It’s cute and it’s fun but until that disappears, a person does not show their true selves. That’s what I don’t want to have to deal with down the line. Even after writing all this I’m not even sure how I want to go about any of this anymore.

In this case, being “me” isn’t the answer when I don’t know who me is sometimes. I think I got it though. Good, healthy sexual energy is a balance between masculine and feminine energy within oneself and between another. When creativity (feminine) meets direction (masculine), you have given birth to something new that is now a part of this world.

This was super personal. I was able to understand more about myself writing this. If you liked it, share your thoughts with me and share it with others if you found it helpful. Thanks for reading.

How many of us wait too long until it’s too late? Or how many of us wait so long to do something that we wish we would have done sooner? If you want to feel alive, to be in FLOW, to have an appetite for growth, to feel a real sense of accomplishment without the validation of someone else. All it takes is having a vision, and being present.

I have come to learn that if you’re not already doing whatever it is that you want or at least working towards it NOW, you’re probably never going to do it. The only thing stopping you from doing that one thing, are excuses. The lack of time is never an excuse and neither is the lack of energy. If you really want to see someone or do something, you’ll make it work. If you are tired or exhausted, guess what? Energy can be restored. An efficient body needs love and nutrition. If you know how to feed it, relax it, condition it, heal it, then you will always have energy.

One thing a successful person will always tell you is to have a vision. See when you can picture the end result and have the imagination to see yourself there, that’s what keeps you going. When given the option to choose between comfortable and difficult, most people choose comfortable. Most of us would like to stay in bed for an extra 10 minutes, or just binge watch our favorite series. These two activities require no will power.

If you want your vision or your goal to become a reality, you have to think long-term. There might not seem like there’s a direct pay-off or short-term pay off while performing these tasks but it all depends on your perspective. When you’re passionate about something, acting on that passion is enough to get you through anything. If you are not passionate about something you are still teaching your brain good habits like discipline, willpower, and perseverance.

Working hard for some people is a lot of fun and for others, it’s just work. The key difference will always be a person’s passion for something and preference of work task. I recommend that no matter what you choose to do with your life, always have at least one outlet to keep you sane. If that one outlet is your passion and you’re willing to put in the work to make it career, do it. It won’t be easy but the entire journey will be worth it. 

I also recommend that you should have more than one outlet to keep you sane. The more outlets you have, the more options that are available to you if one outlet is inaccessible. Some things I like to do are dance, watch videos, make videos, write, socialize, read, yoga, meditate. All of these things are a regular part of my life that fulfill different needs. Some of them I get to do for a living. They all complement each other so that I remain happy, relaxed, energetic and sharp.

I really hope you listen to your intuition, because it’s always right. Don’t wait until you lose someone precious to you to pursue your dreams. Don’t wait until you have settled down and created a family to realize your dreams. Even if you are settled down, it’s never too late. The only obstacle in life is yourself. Don’t wait.

It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to be unsure. It’s okay not to be okay.

Sometimes we break. Sometimes pressure is all we feel. Sometimes we just don’t know the answers. Sometimes we give up.

Life can be exhausting. We forget to breathe. We feel like we’re not important enough. We feel like we’re not good enough. Doubt finds a way to speak to you. All the voices in your head seems to have all these opinions but no actual answers.

For a lot of us, I feel like we’re afraid to be vulnerable, even when we’re alone. It’s like we can’t bring ourselves to cry without feeling ashamed, weak or foolish. Why is there shame in expressing pain? There shouldn’t be. For me personally whenever the feeling of anger or sadness came upon me, I would hold back so much.

When I get angry, even to this day I can’t lash out. I feel the urge to be destructive but I don’t want to be that, ever. So instead I bite my tongue, I take deep breaths. I zone out. Scenarios play in my head. I feel the pain of the person who was affected by my actions. My stomach flips. I start feeling heavy energy pass through me, and then tears start flowing. That’s what happens to me. I begin to transition from feeling destructive to feeling compassionate and small. I have the strong urge to give and receive a hug, but that wouldn’t help the case…or would it?

When I’m sad, I don’t allow myself to cry and I know it comes from refusing to be weak. What I have come to understand recently is that being sad and being weak aren’t the same thing. It takes courage to be in an emotionally vulnerable state. When you are hurt, you don’t concentrate on thinking, you just feel. Knowing that, I wouldn’t allow myself to feel it out because then I would stray from what makes me strong; my ability to think in a progressive manner.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to be sad. A good cry cleanses the soul. Being vulnerable in the presence of someone else allows for a chance at strengthening your bond with them. I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel pressure because that’s what makes diamonds. I’ve learned that you can’t always know the answer and that’s what makes life fun, the mysteries and the unknown. I’ve learned that taking a break doesn’t mean you’ve given up, even if it’s a long break. It just means you are seeking balance.

As long as you keep pushing forward, you’ll always be okay. Take care of yourself. Breathe. You matter. You can make a difference. Trust your intuition.

My biggest personal weakness is that I overthink. I don’t want to do that anymore. I judge myself enough. I feel like I have all these battles in my head more often than I’m aware of. I have been stopping my creative flow because I’m trying to “prioritize” certain things.

This post right here, is something that I don’t even have to think about. I have a strong urge to speak what is currently on my mind.

Lately I have been wanting to paint this picture of myself that just shows all of my best qualities. I come off as very wise and constructive. I’m not saying that I’m not. I just feel like I should act on my feelings more because I have noticed that I would block them off if an urge came because I didn’t want to stray from my “priorities”. That’s like being an adult who doesn’t know how to have fun. I ain’t tryna be that kind of adult.

As each day passes I’m relearning how to be present, more present than ever.
The thing with these urges that arise is that they are unique moments that won’t happen the same way twice. So when you are hit with inspiration and you feel the need to express yourself. If you have the luxury of time, JUST DO IT.

I used to do that before I had all these jobs and ideas that I wanted to build. Now I know that it’s foolish to ignore these feelings that creep up on you randomly.

I’m glad I was able to identify this. Thanks for reading.

Opportunity Cost
Q: What’s an opportunity?

A: A set of circumstances that makes it possible to do something.

What does that mean and what does it take to get opportunities? It’s when skill meets luck or when curiosity meets luck.

Skill is obviously something you obtain through experiencing life. You experience life by being and doing. To cultivate a VALUABLE skill, you must retain what you feel and do. You can spend time being in your room watching netflix and for most people that’s a passive way to live. For others it can be a life changing experience that grants them a skill. Some people watch netflix purely for entertainment and as a stress reliever. Netflix can grant those things for you but it can do more if you retain the information in a way that can be applied to the real world.

Luck is purely timing. How the stars align. Who you cross paths with. When an idea crosses your mind. When a video plants a seed in your head. When a book strikes a chord in your soul. When a contest presents itself to you. When someone makes eye contact with you.

All of these situations are luck. You have the ability to do something about it when luck is present (which it always is). You may act on it, ignore it, miss it, or dream about what could have happened. To insert yourself into a situation is to create an opportunity/ chance or take an opportunity/ chance, however you want to look it.

Those who seize opportunities are movers. They are the reason why the world goes around and progresses the way it does. Life does not happen to you, it happens for you. That’s why whether or not you decide to do anything, life will continue to be what it is. Knowing this, blaming others for you issues or thinking you are powerless is how you forfeit your own power and opportunities. Don’t make yourself a victim, you’re only worsening your luck.

Now what is the cost? The cost is and always will be time. As you get older you’ll find that you’re always trying to balance more than one thing and that you have “less” time. Humans are complex, we have more than one interest and needs that must be met every living moment of our lives. If not, we become a poisoned soul full of hatred, fear and confusion.

A poisoned soul mostly sees smokes and mirrors. That makes it more difficult for them to see the possibilities beyond our shared reality. Beyond the smoke and mirrors is the truth. For some, the truth may hurt. The truth for many is an opportunity that some just aren’t ready to take because it goes against everything they’ve been taught to believe in. So it can be scary and it makes us reluctant to want to change.

The amount of time it will take to change just doesn’t seem to fit into their daily life. What happens if you don’t take the opportunity to face the truth and accept it? Your ego refuses to let you be vulnerable so you get defensive. You grow bitter. That is ignorance, that is fear, that is weakness.

Do not be afraid of the truth. Prepare yourself for all the lucky moments in life by investing in your mind. Invest in your soul. Invest in your interests. Invest in your happiness. Invest in people. It’s never too late to do any of that.
When luck meets skill, that is an opportunity. An opportunity can be a chance for change, progress and happiness.

Look at all this time. What are you doing with it while you still have it? What’s your life worth? $10 an hour? $20 an hour? 50? Or maybe your life isn’t worth any amount of money instead, it’s worth it. Whatever “It” is, define it.

Anything is possible. Your smartphone has unlimited access to information. You can accumulate a wealth of knowledge just by taking advantage of it. Your public library offers the same thing except there’s no positive ions coming from the words you read. (Positive ions are bad for your health)

You can spend less than $10 on a commute from Massachusetts to New York if you know what you’re doing. You can face whatever fear you may have. You can learn how to build an empire. You can go cuddle with all types of animals.

You can take yoga classes, acting classes, music classes. You can help bring positive change to your community. You can make your school stop feeding you horrible food. You can speak out against bad teachers and bad education systems. You can support your community by shopping locally instead of shopping at big named places like Walmart or Target who are corrupt.

You could stop people from destroying our forests. You can do absolutely ANYTHING. You could make yourself so valuable that people will pay you to just be you.

So why not just DO IT? The more you know, the more powerful you become.
Carpe Diem

People are stressed, so they go OUT to drown the pain INside them. One shot, two shot, three shot, STOP, “Nah just one more”. A room full of souls who have been submerged by someone else’s truths. They continue to swallow the lies that they can’t stomach. So eventually, they puke.

We trust brands more than we trust people. These are the same brands that enslave us. That makeup you have on, guess how many lives had to suffer just so you could have it. Guess who’s addicted to buying it? Guess how much makeup you’ll need in order to be happy? That’s right, all the makeup in the world won’t make you less insecure.

There is no happiness found in products that eat your skin, hurt/ kill animals, and enslave those who have to make it for you. Save yourself, save some animals, and some lives by not supporting corrupted brands. Do your research.
#CrueltyFree #Vegan #NonGMO #FairTrade

Don’t mistake the fake kids for cool kids. They’re just doing what the system is telling them is cool. Your image comes first, and don’t be passionate, just do as you’re told.

Passionate people are weird. Weird isn’t cool. Make fun of them because being different is stupid. Don’t try to understand them, just judge them. Conform OR be bullied.

I have been considering myself “lucky” because all the decisions I have made up until this point came out of wanting to improve. I recognized that you can only become better when you take responsibility for everything that happens to you. I’ve never been one to blame anyone or anything for my personal struggles.

It takes a lot of courage (WHAT UP DIGIMON REFERENCE) and self-acceptance to own up to your imperfections and your past actions. I will never skip over or lie about the rough parts of my past. They are the only reason I can see and think as clear as I do now. I know that if I can speak about my trials and tribulations without fear, then I will have conquered a weak part of my being. In other words, I know how to be honest with myself.

The only way to truly grow is to accept and embrace all of your past decisions. I don’t like to call past problems mistakes or failures. I believe mistakes are only mistakes when you don’t learn from them. I believe the only way to truly ever fail is when you give up.

I’m not afraid to openly be myself. I’m not afraid to be told I’m wrong. I’m not afraid to suck. I’m not afraid to get judged. I’m not afraid to get attacked. I’m not afraid to die. I’m not afraid to take in new information or see a different perspective. I will never close myself off to an opportunity to learn.

Even if someone has ill intentions or a destructive way of going about talking to me, I will not take it personally. I myself can be a bit rowdy at times, although a majority of the times I’m just being dramatic for the sake of being dramatic (I’m not that serious of a character).

I can be a very blunt, clear-cut person but I’ve learned that a ton of people don’t like that. If I want to communicate to people in a way where they will listen and we can both have an engaging conversation, then it’s smarter to better craft my statements so there is no unnecessary tension created.

I’m nowhere near perfect. I know how difficult life can be and none of us are handed the same cards. So I will never intentionally put someone down because it doesn’t help me or them or the world. If I’m going to help someone, then I will always be constructive, and kind. No need for me to throw “shade” or more b.s. on someone else’s plate.

If you feel resentment towards someone or regret for any reason, ask yourself why. Holding on to something like that will only hinder your growth, trust me I see that all around me. Those who have learned how to let go, have an easier time navigating through life. Not that life should be easy but those who have learned how to let go are able to invest more time and energy into things that truly matter to them. With absolutely nothing holding them back, they are just a beam of light leading their lives like we all should.

Don’t wait till I’m dead to tell me I was a good person. Don’t wait till I’m dead to tell me that you loved me. Don’t waste your breath uttering my name after I’m gone. If you didn’t have the courage or the time to express your thoughts to me while I was alive, I don’t want to hear it from you when I’m gone. Why do people wait? I’m not going to write this and pretend I don’t understand why people wait, because I do.

You see, a majority of people take life for granted. It’s easier to feel bitter, angry, or judge someone while they’re alive because you assume they will be around for a while. It’s easier because it’s comfortable. The moment that person disappears, all of those feelings and thoughts are replaced with nothing but compassion and for some, even regret. Too bad the person won’t be able to see how much you “cared” because it was too late. Don’t let fear blind you, love while you can.

People who understand appreciation to it’s deepest, fullest meaning, will not occupy their heart with any form of hate. People who truly love themselves become patient and accepting. People who are empathetic are more likely to express their love to you even if it’s expressed awkwardly. People who have lost someone close to them will not hesitate to show you compassion. People who have lost someone, hug tighter because they know that could be your last shared moment.

If one does not know how to live their life with love and excitement, then they will likely live it with judgement and fear. It takes work to put a smile on someone’s face. Being passive and bottling up negative feelings does not benefit anyone. It’s sad to say, but for some, any form of stress is one of the only ways people FEEL “alive”, or so they think. That level of frequency becomes an addiction that they’re brain grows familiar with. All of that just stems from their own fear. It’s the same reason why people have such an opinion on celebrities. They talk about them like they aren’t humans with feelings.

Any form of stress reminds people that they’re human, and there is a particular rush that’s associated with those feelings. Whether it’s a good or bad feeling, most of us just want to feel. If you are afraid to express compassion, light heartedness, or love of any sort, ask yourself why.

Don’t wait to care, let people know that they are awesome, that they are strong, that you are there for them, and that they are important. Do that and see what happens. Trust me, we all don’t hear it enough, see it enough, or feel it enough. You’re never too busy to let someone know that you care.

This song resonates with this post very well. Take a listen.

Words by Skylar Grey (Click to listen)